I keep telling myself I'll be fine, but somehow, it doesn't seem to be panning out the way I want it to. It's been getting worse, and I can't say for sure how long I'll be able to hold on. Hell, I can't even be certain that I haven't let go yet.
Tonight was the first night I had on my own and it was a bad idea to bring a car. I think at least it was. Nothing happened, no accident or close call even. It just wasn't a good idea to leave the decision all up to me, of which way to turn and where to go. It was default settings, at first, but to tell the truth it was very hazy after.
After over an hour, I'm not sure, I ended up just walking. It's not important where to, but it is just enough to tire me out. When I finally thought I should go to the car, I noticed I was drenched in sweat. Then I started driving. Around and around. I did not know where I was going, nor what I was going to do. I knew I just needed to move. I could not stay put.
Eventually, I was back home.
This may seem like a cry for help. To be honest, I know I need it. I'm not that strong after all. But I'm just too fucking proud to call out for it. This was my first night alone, and I was determined to keep myself from asking someone to be with me.
Now I know it was a mistake. I don't really want to impose my dreary self on other people, least of all someone who no longer wants to have to do anything with me, but maybe, tonight, going it alone was a big mistake. It may be the first of many that I'm going to allow myself to do.
I'm not sure if anyone is going to see this. And there's really no point in it anymore. Since it may all be too late.
I've given my answer to the call, that is, if there really is a call. I'm hoping there isn't. Sincerely, I wish there's no way what I did will work. But I've gone to this end, so I hope it will end up fine after all.
Anyway, if it has, I know there's always a way back.
I know, some things will just change, no matter what you do, or no matter how much you don't want it to. I can always take back what I said, even if it was uttered in such style with a soundtrack and all.
Let's hope that if I wasn't strong enough now, I'll be strong enough later.
For tonight, I'll keep my fingers crossed. I'll rest up, and pray that I'll make it through.
Paalam.
At Magandang gabi.